Most viewed jokes

Why did the mosquito go to the dentist?
→ To improve his bite!

A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, "I am white from head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N." Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, "My name is Sam and I am white from head to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B-R-O-W-N."

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said:

- Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens.

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said:

- Not too good. All 100 chickens died.

The neighbor said:

- Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more.

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says:

- You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.

Astounded, the neighbor asked:

- what went wrong? What did you do to them?

Well, says the new farmer:

- I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

- Tell me - she said suspiciously.

- What are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?

The actuary looked through his tables and said:

- A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.

She nodded, then thought for a moment.

- So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?

Again he went through his tables.

- Extremely remote - he said.

- About one in a billion.

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phoney beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked:

- Going to a party?

- Yeah - the man answered.

- I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.

- But you look like Abe Lincoln - protested the barkeep.

- That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.

Yo mama is so fat, that the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs.

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons, and says:

- Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.

Well, having no intention of doing anything with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant.

- Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success - she says.

Again, the man elects to continue his climb.

Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing.

- Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.

Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.

A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says:

- Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success.

Well, needless to say he is very tempted.

But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher.

On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty.....

- Who are you? - our climber asks in horror.

Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says:

- Hi. I'm Cess.