Most viewed jokes

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

• Oops.
• Has anyone seen my watch?
• That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with the Internet?
→ I don't know, but it's e-nourmous.

What is a dentist's office?
→ A filling station.

There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.

They put his left leg in....

Well, you know the rest.

Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft tall.
The police are searching high and low for them.

What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?
→ A bad mood!

What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
→ A duck filled fatty puss!

What is an autobiography?
→ The life story of an automobile.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

- Oh.. Half a pack a day.

- Starting NOW, no more smoking.

The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.

- Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

- Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.

- Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.

The man is now really worried.

- Doc, is all this really necessary?

- Do you want to live long?

- Yes.

- Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.

The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

- Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife! he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"

"Come on, Steve," one guy said to another at the gym, "your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?"

"I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog."