Most viewed jokes

What do you get if you cross an Egyptian mummy with a car mechanic?
→ Toot and Car Man.

What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles?
→ A car-toonist!

What is a banged-up used car?
→ A car in first-crash condition.

The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air.

seeking at him, another man said:

- Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.

The young man took a deep breath and said:

- Pop, I missed this train at the last station.

What do you call a witch who drives really badly?
→ A road hag.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said:

- I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said:

- I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said:

- Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

- 100 facecloths

- 25 darning needles

- any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse

- bag of potting mix

- box of legal size hanging file folders

- bucket of sand

- cat door

- cellophane tape and staples

- dairy for 1991

- exquisitely wrapped house-brick

- framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")

- globe

- hat rack

- his and hers dishwashing liquid.

- map of West Brazil

- mixer (for the non-cooking couple)

- mobile

- modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)

- nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper

- one shoe

- receipt book

- salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)

- silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)

- spice rack

- step ladder

- towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.

- towrope

- triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

- You know - a guy told his buddies.

- I'm a lucky man.

- I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.

- What did she do? - someone asked.

- She was so happy to have me home - he said.

- that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.