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Things never to say to a cop:

  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
  4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
  5. Are You Andy or Barney?
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
  7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
  8. I pay your salary!
  9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
  10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
  11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
  12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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- Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?

- Class: At once!

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An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.

- Alec! - yelled the teacher.

- you've done nothing. Why?

- Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!

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Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing.

- File the beak just a little, - said the owner.

- and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die.

Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary.

- He died, - said Calvin.

- But I told you not to file the beak too much.

- I didn't, - explained Calvin.

- but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead.

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