Most viewed jokes

The Millionaire by Ivor Fortune

Nothing's Ever Right by Mona Lott

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said:

- No, I think I can stand over the hole.

So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said:

- grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.

So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced:

- Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR.

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

- When you get to the part about calling a doctor - she said.

- I'm already here!

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
18. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
19. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.

The counselor asked:

- Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?

- Uhh, no, I guess not - the husband replied.

- That happens with many married couples - the counselor replied.

- I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband.

- That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening.

So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said:

- We're going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to have a good time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!

His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. - What! What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's the matter? - the husband cried.

- Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the animal clinic. And now...(sniff)(sniff)...now... - she broke off and sobbed deeply.

- Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me. - the husband begged.

- And now, you come home drunk!!!!

The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and 18.

At four, we know all the questions; at eighteen, all the answers.

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
→ You wake up wet!

- Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?

- Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

- Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?

- Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!