Most viewed jokes

What part of a car is the laziest?
→ The wheels. They are always tired.

Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend?
→ They were both driving their cars at the time!

When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

How do you electrocute a blonde?
→ Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
→ She's trying to hold on to a thought.

- Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?

- Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.

Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
4. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"
5. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
6. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
7. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
8. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
9. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
10. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
11. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
12. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.
13. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."
14. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.
15. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

- This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor - he said - Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

- We'll see - the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

- Doctor, what are you doing?!? - he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied:

- Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve.

- Well, doc - he said - when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!

At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, "What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention."

By Bill Adler

A Teenager is...

• A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..
• A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..
• A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
• Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
• A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
• A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
• A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
• An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
• A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
• A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
• A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a Michael Jackson concert.
• A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
• A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
• A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
• An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.