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From Matt Groening's "Big Book Of Hell", here are: 'Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me'...

The Sleeping Alligator Story

- Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn't stuffed, ya know. He's sleeping.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: If you don't believe me, why don't you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning

- Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there's a little door, and behind that little door, there's a boogey-man, and he's set traps in there, little boy traps.

- You: Really?

- Bro/Sis: And they're baited with CUSTARD.

- You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick

- Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet.

- You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z.

- Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler

- Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you?

- You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys

- Bro/Sis: There's some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there.

- You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights.

- Bro/Sis: This time we won't.

The Snowflake Story

- Bro/Sis: Well I'll be!! Identical snowflakes!!

- You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!!

- Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo

- You: Hey!! This isn't Bambi!!

- Bro/Sis: This's better'n Bambi.

The Elf

- Bro/Sis: I'd like you to meet Tom.

- You: I don't see anybody.

- Bro/Sis: Tom's invisible.

- You: Oh sure.

- Bro/Sis: He's an elf. If you're nice to him, he'll give you three wishes.

- You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later

- Bro/Sis: I don't remember doing any of that stuff to you.

- Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
→ Once, when it was still in the factory.

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
→ Both do hat tricks!

- Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?

- Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home!

"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?" "Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

- Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water? - Gramma asked him.

- I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma - exclaimed Johnny.

- There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!

- Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!

- Well, Gramma, - replied Johnny - if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

What's a frogs favourite flower?
→ A croakus!

What do hookers do on their night off?
→ Type.