Most viewed jokes

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar.

Hawk said:

- I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60.

Tom looked at him, amazed:

- Breaking 60? That's amazing!

Hawk smiled and said:

- Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!

What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?
→ If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question:

- Have you ever been arrested?

He answered:

- No.

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was:

- Why?

The applicant answered it anyway:

- Never got caught.

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker:

- I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?

The Ten Commandments Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. If it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!

On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says:

- Sir, I offer you my honor.

He replies:

- I honor your offer.

And that's how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her:

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- Yes - she replied in a loud voice:

- I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic.

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:

- I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.

Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said:

- Nope...not these days...

- I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?

Bill didn't hesitate. He said:

- I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed:

- Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish.

Bill thought for a minute and said:

- You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want!

The Genie thought for a minute and said:

- Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again.