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True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly:

- Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.

Alex promptly looked at him and said:

- Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says:

- Honey, I can explain!

- As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.

- While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.

- As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said:

- Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself:

- Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat, and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says:

- Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:

- I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.

Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

What's a snakes favourite TV program?
→ Monty Python!

- Science teacher: What happened when electricity was first discovered?

- Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.

- Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?

- Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home!

What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
→ Dates!

Where do Eskimos keep their money?
→ In snowbanks.