Most viewed jokes

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor:

- Why do you want to join the Navy, son?

- My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.

- Oh? And what does your father do?

- He's in the Army, sir.

Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at 4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up and Charley says:

- Where have you been? You're a 1/2 hour late.

Paul replies:

- Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick's been hurting bad.

Charley says:

- If your dick's been hurting, why did you go to the dentist?

Paul answers:

- Because I had a tooth stuck in it.

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:

- Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change.

What does a blonde say after sex?
→ Thanks Guys.

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself:

- How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.

The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said:

- Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?

From behind the paper The gorilla answered:

- You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?

Flabergasted, the lion said:

- Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?

Ever wonder why they never show the film ALIVE in-flight?...... It's not because of the film's content, it's because the people in the film are eating better than the people on board.

What happens when people of different occupations get old:

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them:

- Don't worry - he said.

- Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully:

- Problems? - he said.

- Have I ever had problems, doc.! - the man replied.

- I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it.

- So what did you do? - said the doctor.

- We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!! But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!

The newlyweds arrived at the front desk of the posh ocean-side resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina, looking all fresh, and eager to enjoy their two week vacation/honeymoon.

The stunning blonde at the front desk smiled and said:

- Well, hi Jimmy, how ya been lover ? Long time no see.

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room. Once inside, the piqued bride demanded:

- And just who was THAT woman ?!?!?

The groom wiped his brow and said:

- Just relax honey. Please ! I'm going to have enuff trouble explaining you to her.