Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "What's that mum?" His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in:
- Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?
His father says:
- Son, I'm filling your mother's tank.
Johnny says:
- Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.
A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.....
→ without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
→ We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.....
→ you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
→ I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
→ I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
→ My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
→ I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
→ You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
→ I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
→ I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
→ Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
→ We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.
- 17: Muffy the cat
- 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
- 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
- 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
- 66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.
He said to the woman:
- Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?
She said:
- Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?
God snapped his fingers and it was done.
She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand:
- What am I going to do with this useless boob?
And God created man.
Why is pubic hair curly?
→ If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
Armando went to his neighbor and asked:
- Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?
- No - says Carlos.
Armando asks:
- Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?
- No - says Carlos.
- Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?
- Caramba! No, amigo! - Carlos replied.
- Theen tell me why, do you keep screwing my wife? - asked Armando.
I was shopping at our local supermarket.
When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me.
As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her:
- Paper or plastic?
- It doesn't matter - she replied.
- I'm bisacksual.
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife:
- What the hell happened?
- As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss - replied the wife.
- Piss on him - answered the husband.
- You did - said the wife.
- And he fired you.
- Well, fuck him - said the husband.
- I did, and you go back to work in the morning.
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading:
- Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.
