The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.
- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:
- Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...
- Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
- Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book Sex & Zen & a Bullet in the Head, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June 1996.
- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
- Gun wounds again?
- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
- You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
- You daring lousy guy.
- Beat him out of recognizable shape!
- I have been scared shitless too much lately.
- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
- How can you use my intestines as a gift?
- The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife:
- Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good.
The next day when they come home his wife asks:
- How was your day?
The man says:
- Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife:
- And what happened today in your office, honey?
She says:
- Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:
- I want you to see this.
She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:
- what do you have to say about this experiment?
He responds by saying:
- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!
A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.
What is the definition of an overbite?
→ When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit.
A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
- Mummy, mummy, what are these? - he says, pointing to her breasts.
- Well, son - she says - these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.
- Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!
What do you mean? says his mother.
Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling:
- God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering:
- An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again:
- It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!
There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!!!"
