Most viewed jokes

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies:

- a necklace and a vibrator.

- Why? - asks the second man.

To which the other man replies:

- Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.

The man calls out:

- Let me get that for you - and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.

- Thanks, mister - says the kid.

- Now let's run!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

Why can't you trust snakes?
→ They speak with forked tongues!

- Science teacher: What happened when electricity was first discovered?

- Fred: Someone got a nasty shock.

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
→ The school went on a trip!

One day God called the Pope, and he said:

- John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion.

The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked:

- What's the bad news?

God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

- Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.

Well, you know how she is.

- Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

- You were perfectly right.

- You want to speak with her? All right.

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

- Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
→ 'Let us prey.'

What is the most breathless thing on television?
→ The Pink Panter Show!