Most viewed jokes

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog:

- T-square, do your stuff!

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said:

- Slide Rule, do your stuff!

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said:

- Measure, do your stuff!

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said:

- What can your dog do?

The Government Worker called to his dog and said:

- Coffee Break, do your stuff!

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

The Embarrassing Moment by Lucy Lastic

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him:

- Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests.

- I'm a doctor - he says.

- I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line.

The others say:

- You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep.

- Hey - he says to the guy in front of him.

- Who does that guy think he is?

- Oh, that's God - says the guy.

- He likes to play doctor!

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

- What's it cure? - asks a member of the audience.

- Nothing we don't already have a drug for - the internist replies.

- Well, what's so miraculous about it?

- One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

• 1 screw $1
• Knowing how to put it in $4999
• $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."

It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says:

- I gave them paper plates.

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.

After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.

- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.

The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.

- I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or 6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said:

- Now you be a good boy or I'll tell Gramma how you were acting and she won't give you anymore cookies.

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank:

- Oh yeah? Well I'll tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddy's cock!

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.