Most viewed jokes

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.

I told him:

- Just give them your underwear.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.

Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.

Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

- You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

- You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

- You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

- You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.

- When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

- When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

- You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

- You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

- You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
→ Addercadabra and abradacobra!

What's a snakes favourite dance?
→ The mamba!

- Teacher: Can you count to 10?

- Fred: Yes, teacher-one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

- Teacher: Now go on from there.

- Fred: Jack, Queen, King.

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

- Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?

- Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

Why aren't you doing very well in history?
→ Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!