Most viewed jokes

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking:

- What time is it?

The tower responded:

- Who is calling?

The aircraft replied:

- What difference does it make?

The tower replied:

- It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon.

Why doesn't Hillary wear short dress?
→ Her balls would show.

Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road?
→ She just did, alright!!

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up:

- I can see you, and so can Jesus!

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

- I can see you, and so can Jesus!

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again:

- I can see you, and so can Jesus!

- So what - says the burglar:

- you're only a parrot!

To which the parrot replies:

- Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man:

- What is three times three?

- 274 - was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man:

- It's your turn. What is three times three?

- Tuesday - replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man:

- Okay, your turn. What's three times three?

- Nine - says the third man.

- That's great! - says the doctor.

- How did you get that?

- Simple - says the third man.

- I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming:

- You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!

- What's he doing with the apples? - the sergeant asked.

- If I told you - the woman cried - you wouldn't believe me!

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation." "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job." "Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says:

- Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions.

She says:

- Why all the clocks in the window?

And he says:

- And what should I have in my window?