Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account.
- The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store - she said.
- Oh good - he said:
- Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said:
- I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.
Just then Jessica said:
- I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said:
- Sir your license has expired.
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said:
- I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice:
- Jessica, shut your mouth!
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked:
- Does your husband always talk to you like that?
Jessica replied:
- only when he's drunk.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them:
- You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
- Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
- Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
10 things men know about women:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: They have tits
A harp is a nude piano.
A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.
Why are harps like elderly parents?
→ Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
What's a glow worms favorite song?
→ Wake me up before you glow glow!
What do you call a big irish spider?
→ Paddy long legs!
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. - I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!
- That's okay, dearie - the aunt replied.
- After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway.
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
