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Dear Maevis,

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself:

- What am I here after?

Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs!

Your good ole friend, Ethel

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks:

- What are you doing?

She replies:

- I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.

- Wow, that's wonderful.

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him:

- What are you doing?

- I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed:

- My God what are you doing?

The man replied:

- I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!

Mother calls up stairs:

- You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!

As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says:

- Today we're gonna learn to swear!

The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.

The 5-year-old continues:

- When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!

The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.

They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them:

- Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?

The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head...

- Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!

He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.

Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately:

- Well now, what would you like for breakfast?

The 4-year-old replies:

- I don't know ma... But you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!

What's the blonde's cheer?
→ "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B. L. O. N. . . . ah, oh well. . I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea. . . "

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks:

- Santa, will you stay with me?

Santa says:

- Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks:

- Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa says:

- Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!

She takes off everything and asks:

- Santa, now will you stay with me?

Santa replies:

- Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!

I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!

This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of...

- THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

- THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

- THE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

- THE RONALD REAGAN virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

- THE MIKE TYSON virus....(Quits after two bytes)

- THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

- THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....(Deletes all old files)

- THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)

- THE PROZAC virus....(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)

- THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files)

- THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

...and last but not least...

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man:

- Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!

- What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

- Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply:

- I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over:

- I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied:

- no need...

- I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."

Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.

Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells:

- When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

- Yeah? - she replies. - When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'