Most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says:

- Oy vey! What a wreck!

The priest asks him:

- Are you all right, Rabbi?

The Rabbi responds:

- Just a little shaken.

The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says:

- Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.

The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says:

- Well, what are we going to tell the police?

- Well - the priest says - I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'.

What do you call a credit union volunteer in a room full of bank directors?
→ A superior being.

Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues?
→ They get to meet their old flames!

What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
→ Silicone chips.

There is a drunk driver. He goes and hits a car with a woman driving it. Whos fault is it?
→ The Woman's, she should of never left the kitchen!

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
   (A) Minor [ ]
   (B) Minor [ ]
   (C) Minor [ ]
   (D) Trivial [ ]
5. Nature of the problem:
   (A) Locked Up [ ]
   (B) Frozen [ ]
   (C) Hung [ ]
   (D) Shot [ ]
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes [ ] No [ ]
7. Is it turned on? Yes [ ] No [ ]
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes [ ] No [ ]
9. Have you made it worse? Yes [ ]
10. Have you read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No [ ]
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes [ ] No [ ]
14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
19. How does this problem make you feel?
20. Tell me about your childhood.
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes [ ]

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

65 degrees: Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night

60 degrees: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 degrees: Miami residents turn on the heat

45 degrees: Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 degrees: You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming

35 degrees: Italian cars don't start

32 degrees: Water freezes

30 degrees: You plan your vacation to Australia

25 degrees: Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 degrees: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 degrees: French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 degrees: You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 degrees: American cars don't start

0 degrees: Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10 degrees: German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 degrees: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 degrees: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start

-25 degrees: Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 degrees: You plan a two week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start

-40 degrees: Californians disappear
Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your cat helps you plan your trip South

-50 degrees: Congressional hot air freezes
Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80 degrees: Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game

-90 degrees: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says:

- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?

Grandpa replies:

- Nope.

Teen says:

- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?

Grandpa replies:

- A wedding ring.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!