Most viewed jokes

- Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?

- Wife: Oh, about midnight.

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question.

- Not at all, go right ahead - she replied.

- Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?

- I just can't tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.

- I'll be fine. Now that we're divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can't hurt me too much.

- Well, if it's that important to you...

- Jimmy is your child.

Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxaphone?
→ Because he went to the hormonica!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill replied:

- Well, what's the difference between the two?

God said:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.

- Fine, but where should I go first?

- I'll leave that up to you.

- Okay then - said Bill:

- Let's try Hell first.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

- This is great! - he told God.

- If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!

- Fine - said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

- Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell - he told God.

- Fine - retorted God:

- as you desire.

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

- How's everything going? - he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment:

- This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!

- Oh, that?...

- That was a DEMO - replied God.

What snakes are good at sums?
→ Adders!

Why did the jellybean go to school?
→ Because he wanted to be a smarty

- Principal: Do you do your homework?

- Kid: Now & Then

- Principal: Where do you do it?

- Kid: Here & There

- Principal: Put him in the closet!!!

- Kid: Hey, When will I get out?

- Principal: Oh, sooner or later

- Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant?

- Pupil: Hong Kong

- Teacher: Why do you say that?

- Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most dense!

- What time do you get up in the morning?

- About an hour and a half after I arrived at school

- Teacher: You're new here aren't you, what's your name?

- Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith