Most viewed jokes

- Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself.

- Why is that?

- I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table:

- This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc.

Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation.
Silence.

- Well? - he finally asked.

- What's this?

The waiter replied:

- It's a friend of duck.

- Is your food spicy Sir?

- No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

Is there a God?
→ A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

What's a rabbits' favorite movie?
→ Rabbits of the Lost Ark.

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....

Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress?
→ Because she always makes up.

How do you communicate with the Loch Ness Monster at 20,000 fathoms?
→ Drop him a line.

Airmen had to launch two E-3 AWACS from a National Guard base after a heavey snow strom. Well after a 5 hour delay waiting for the snow to be plowed of, they were able to take-off. The planes taxied off and stoped a hundred yards to the flight line. The civilians had forgot to finish the rest of the taxi way.