Most viewed jokes

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says:

- I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says:

- Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates.

The woman replies:

- Yes... And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we...

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

- It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said:

- For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!

What's the easiest way for a wife to cause hearing loss in her husband?
→ Say she wants to talk to him.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
→ Castrated.

You know you're a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied:

- Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!

One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.

He was very furious and said:

- Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!

- Yes Sir, Mr. President - the interior decorator replies.

- I'll take those mirrors out right away!

- You recycle your own toilet paper

- Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

- You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

- You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

- Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

- The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

- Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

- You hunt from your bedroom window.

- Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

- You refrigerate your food stamps.

- You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

- You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

- Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

- You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

- You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

- You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

- You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

- The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

- You take a beer to a job interview.

- You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

- When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

- You go to Goodwill to meet women.

- You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!