Most viewed jokes

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Why did Mrs. Tomatoe turn red ?
→ She saw Mr. Green Pea !

Can You name 3 Cars that start with P?
→ Nope, they all start with Gas!

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says:

- Oh God! Are you still in there!

What do you call a blonde behind a stearingwheel?
→ An airbag!

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent:

- We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.

The agent replies:

- Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent:

- I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft.

372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds!

372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same.

372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day

• Yellow Bellied Sidewinders - 2
• Two-faced Tortfeasors - 1
• Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators - 3
• Horn Rimmed Cut-throats - 2
• Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)

And then there's little Johnny who one night woke up to go the bathroom and passed by his parents door.

Noticing that the door was open a bit, he walked in only to see his mother performing oral sex on his dad.

Upon seeing this, little Johnny walks out and exclaims:

- Hah!, they got nerve...they sent "ME" to the doctor for sucking my thumb!

- You consider McDonald's "real food."

- You actually like doing laundry at home.

- 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

- It starts getting late on the weeknights.

- Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

- You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

- You'd rather clean than study.

- Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

- Computer Solitaire is more than a game, it's a way of life.

- You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.

- You know the pizza boy by name.

- You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

- You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)

- Prank phone calls become funny again.

- Wal-Mart is the coolest store.

- World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.

- You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

- Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

- Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

- You find out milk crates have so many uses.

- The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night).