Most viewed jokes

What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
→ You're never alone!

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
→ A brain tumor.

A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland produced some strange results.

Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.

What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
→ He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:

- What gender is a computer?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Some things I've learned from my children:

- Super glue is forever.

- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jell-O!

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. And the glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on. It's been proven that plastic toys do not like ovens.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

- I sure do - he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

- Wow! - said his friend - Where did you get that monster lighter?

- I got it from my genie.

- You have a genie?

- Yes, right here in my golf bag.

- Could I see him?

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie:

- Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?

- Yes I will - the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner:

- I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!

He answers:

- I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?

How does a lobster answer the phone?
→ Shello?

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!