Most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
→ Skeet.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the dog.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
→ Quatro sinko.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
→ Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
→ Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.

Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

- I'm an undertaker - responded the friend.

- That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.

- There is plenty of excitement in this racket - said his friend.

- Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat... You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

- What the heck did you do that for!?! - the man screams.

- Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?

The man says:

- No I don't, you IDIOT...

- But my wife out in the car still does!

English.....
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo
Redneck..... Nice Tits

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam:

- Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever.

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks:

- What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says:

- Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

- I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

- I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.

- Man alive! But I wish you weren't.

- I believe in respect for the dead in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

- Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

- You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

- You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

- We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.

- I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

- There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

- All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.

- I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

What do most people do when they see a python?
→ They re-coil!

- Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?

- Pupil: I get up early!