Most viewed jokes

A black guy and a puerto rican guy are both in a car...who's driving?

A Cop!!!

Why are Australians like kiwifruit?
→ Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside..... and too many of them will give you the shits!

Bill & Hilary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
→ The nation!

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.

- Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out! - says the dentist.

- Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!! - cries the lady.

- In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first - replies the dentist.

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

- Oh honey - said the young nymph.

- Does that mean we're going to do it three times?

- No - said the old man.

- it means you can take your pick.

Why do men snore?
→ When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said:

- Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.

He did.

- Now kiss me the way you used to...

- Now darling, bite me the way you used to.

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said:

- Where are you going dear?

- To get my teeth, dear - the husband replied.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
→ He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

Some actual product warning labels:

- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

- On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

- In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

- In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

- On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

- On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

- On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops... Too late! You lose!)

- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

- On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what...use in outer space?)

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)

- On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

- On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)