Most viewed jokes

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
→ Because they don't have feelings.

Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.

PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.

Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.

Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.

Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes.

Camcorder is ready to film in a flash, Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain.

Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall.

I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

(Author Unknown)

One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.

He replies:

- Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.

The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.

Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.

When the teacher asks what happened, he says:

- Like you said, last night, when my dad asked OK? and mom said OK, I didn't say anything. After a while, they started moaning and groaning but still, I didn't say a thing until dad asked: did you come? and mom answered Yeah, I came and I said where were you?

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TOMOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton." RIP, Fred.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

- She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

- She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

- At age 4, success is not peeing your pants

- At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"

- At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

- At age 35, success is about career and family

- At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings

- At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"

- At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

The real interpretation of corportate titles:

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

- Leaps tall building in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a locomotive

- Is faster than a speeding bullet

- Walks on water

- Discusses policy with God

PRESIDENT

- Leaps short buildings in a single bound

- Is more powerful than a switch engine

- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

- Walks on water if the sea is calm

- Talks with God

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT

- Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.

- Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

- Is faster than a speeding BB.

- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

- Talks with God if special request is approved

VICE PRESIDENT

- Barely clears a Quonset hut

- Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive

- Can fire a speeding bullet

- Swims well

- Is occasionally addressed by God

GENERAL MANAGER

- Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings

- Is run over by locomotive

- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

- Dog paddles

- Talks to animals

MANAGER

- Runs into buildings

- Recognizes locomotive two out of three times

- Is not issued ammunition

- Can't stay afloat with a life preserver

- Talks to walls

TRAINEE

- Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building

- Says "look at the choo-choo"

- Wets him/herself with a water pistol

- Plays in mud puddles

- Mumbles to him/herself

SECRETARY

- Lifts buildings and walks under them

- Kicks locomotives off the tracks

- Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth

- Freezes water with a single glance

- To all of the above...is God!

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God:

- Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said:

- Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view.

So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the male angel returned he went to God and told him:

- Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

Oh! You didn't get one either huh?

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced:

- Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister...

- Now, now, keep calm, folks - he said.

- Let's all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back.

- Why aren't you bowing your head to pray? - the minister asked.

- Well, I don't know how to pray, - replied the passenger.

- Well, just do something religious! - piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

- There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

- Will I be acquitted?