Most viewed jokes

- What does your Dad sell?

- Salt.

- Well, my dad is a salt seller, too.

- Shake.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said:

- Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

To which the gentleman said:

- Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!

Why is it good that accordionists have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.

- Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.

- Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

- Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.

- Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?

- Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks:

- What happened?

- Well - one of the officer's says:

- It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...

- My agent came to my house?

What do you call a monster with two wooden heads?
→ Edward Woodward.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the building".

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

How are men like television commercials?
→ You can't believe a word either one of them says, and they both last about 30 seconds.