Most viewed jokes

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
→ 144 blondes.

- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

- I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

- He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer

- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

- I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

- I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead

- Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

- Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug

- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

- Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:

- I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied:

- You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said:

- Paint my house!

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman... Of course he was referring to Hillary!

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity. And...
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

- Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

- Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said:

- Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated.

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

- All right, I guess I'll have the operation - he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him:

- I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said:

- Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.

- That's right - exclaimed the man.

- How'd you know?

- Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up - replied the salesman.

- Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.

- Right again - the man said.

The proprietor suggested:

- And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36.

- There's your first mistake - the man said.

- I've worn 34's for years.

- No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one - said the owner.

The man replied:

- I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34.

The owner replied:

- Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT?!?!?"

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shoots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:

- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says:

- That's one!

Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Familiarity breeds children.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma Bombeck

One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

The best thing to spend on your children is time.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.