A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.
While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:
- Have you done oral sex lately?
The man replied:
- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?
The dentist says:
- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said:
- Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated.
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.
- All right, I guess I'll have the operation - he said.
When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him:
- I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said:
- Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.
- That's right - exclaimed the man.
- How'd you know?
- Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up - replied the salesman.
- Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.
- Right again - the man said.
The proprietor suggested:
- And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36.
- There's your first mistake - the man said.
- I've worn 34's for years.
- No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one - said the owner.
The man replied:
- I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34.
The owner replied:
- Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!
There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.
Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.
Elle put on more make-up saying:
- They always rescued the beautiful ones first.
Cindy donned her jewelery claiming:
- They would rescue the richest one first - upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying:
- You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box!
Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts
- It's raining men, hallelujah!
- Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver Herford
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood
Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. Knowles
Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly
For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine
In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
- And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you - said the husband.
- Yes, several - the wife replied.
- Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed.
- I did!
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.
- They must be British.
- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.
- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.
- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children:
- Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:
- What gender is a computer?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
