Most viewed jokes

What insect can be spelled with just one letter?
→ Bee.

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!

What did the metric alien say?
→ Take me to your litre!

What did the alien say to the gas pump?
→ Don't you know its rude to stick your finger in your ear when I'm talking to you!

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said:

- Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?

- Uhh, oh yeah, O.K. - responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked:

- Well how much did you give the boy this time?

- Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.

- That's $1020!!! - yelled Dad.

- Are you going crazy???

- Don't worry hon - Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head.

- I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?
→ Rugs and kisses!

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said:

- Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said:

- Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.

The third said:

- I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly:

- Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?

- I think so - the man replied.

- My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.

- I don't mean that - the priest responded.

- I mean, are you prepared spiritually?

- Oh, sure - came the reply.

- I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle.
What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said:

- I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes.

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!