Most viewed jokes

What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
→ She can't say "No".

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said:

- Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.

- I'll be right over - the doctor said.

- In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth.

- Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

- I know, doc - she replied.

- but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine:

- I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!

The other guy looks at him and declares:

- I did not!

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said:

- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?

- Are you kidding? - said St. Peter.

- It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.

- They must be British.

- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.

- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.

- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

- BASIC COW: $499.95

- Shipping and handling: 35.75

- Extra Stomach: 79.25

- Two Tone Exterior: 142.10

- Produce Storage Compartment: 126.50

- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper: 189.60

- Four Spigot/High Output Drain System: 149.20

- Automatic Fly Swatter: 88.50

- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery: 179.90

- Deluxe Dual Horns: 59.25

- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment: 339.40

- 4X4 Traction Drive Assembly: 884.16

- Pre-delivery Wash and Comb: 69.80

FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2,843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options): $3,143.36

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

Pay back time for the ladies!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee:

- Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...

- Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:

- Humph, not much of a man, was he!

And the waitress replied:

- Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!