Most viewed jokes

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies:

- Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
→ So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
→ Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
→ When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why do so few men end up in heaven?
→ They never stop to ask for directions.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

- BASIC COW: $499.95

- Shipping and handling: 35.75

- Extra Stomach: 79.25

- Two Tone Exterior: 142.10

- Produce Storage Compartment: 126.50

- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper: 189.60

- Four Spigot/High Output Drain System: 149.20

- Automatic Fly Swatter: 88.50

- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery: 179.90

- Deluxe Dual Horns: 59.25

- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment: 339.40

- 4X4 Traction Drive Assembly: 884.16

- Pre-delivery Wash and Comb: 69.80

FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2,843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options): $3,143.36

by Every guy in America

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups:
   Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:

Why do blondes wear underwear?
→ They make good ankle warmers.

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began:

- They accuse me of intervening in Angola...

and a man going through the audience called out:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro went on:

- They say I'm intervening in Mozambique...

and the same loud voice shouted:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued:

- They say I'm intervening in Nicaragua...

and the voice yelled again:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered:

- Bring that man who is shouting 'Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I'll kick him all the way to Miami.

And everybody in the audience started shouting:

- Peanuts! Popcorn!