Most viewed jokes

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies:

- Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father:

- Well what's the 6 pack for?

The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March...

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says:

- I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out - and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all:

- What if it doesn't work out? - they wonder.

- Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled:

- Yes - he informs the couple.

- You can get married in Heaven.

- Great - says the couple.

- but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

- What's wrong? - exclaims the frightened couple.

- Come on! - St. Peter exclaims.

- It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts:

- THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!

The front guy says:

- Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!

Supplemental Rules for Bowling:

- If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

- When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

- After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

- When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

- After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

- If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

- A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked:

- Sarge, why'd you stop?

- You dumb rookie - replied the Sarge.

- He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said:

- I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said:

- My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said:

- Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack.

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

- Isn't it true - he bellowed.

- that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

- Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? - the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said:

- Sir, please answer the question.

- Oh - the startled witness said.

- I thought he was talking to you.

- If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

- If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

- Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

- Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

- I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

- I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

- They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

- You should toss out more of your funny remarks that's all they're good for.

- People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

- You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

- I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

- If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide!

- Her learning curve is fractal.

- Her lint trap is full.

- Her lists are unlinked.

- Her memory is truly random-access.

- Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.

- Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.

- Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.

- Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.

- Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.

- Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

- Her objects are not fully oriented.

- Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.

- Her random access is the same as her sequential access.

- Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.

- Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.

- Her stack has been corrupted.

- Her synapses are about |that| far apart.

- Her system file has zero bytes.

- Her tires are a little low.

- Her wipers don't touch the glass.

- Her word length is zero bits.

- Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.

- High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.

- His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings.

- His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up.

- His accumulator overflows at zero.

- His actual mileage varies.

- His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.

- His boot block is in a bad sector.

- His brackets are mismatched.