Most viewed jokes

Why didn't Noah go fishing?
→ He only had two worms!

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra?
→ Tuskanini.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ To get away from the noise.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says:

- I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max replies:

- Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe says:

- So what's the bad news?

Max replies:

- Well, you're booked to play the solo!

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
→ Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Why do actors like snooker halls?
→ Because that's where they get their best cues.

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

- First of all - he tells him:

- We've got Gibson in the lead.

The director is surprised:

- You got Mel Gibson?

- Well, no - the Producer responds:

- we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford.

- You got Robert Redford? - the director asks.

- No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But - he says enthusiastically:

- we've got Streisand and in a singing role.

- Barbara Streisand? - he asks.

- No, Elizabeth Streisand - The Producer responds.

- But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet.

- You got Robert Goulet? - the director asks.

- Yeah - the producer replies glumly:

- we got Robert Goulet.

How many PA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ What's a light bulb?