A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
- I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You're dying, and you don't have much time left.
- Oh, that's terrible! How long have I got?
- Ten.
- Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!
- Nine...
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
→ Batminton.
How does a baboon make phone calls?
→ He just monkeys around on the line!
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.
- So, how did you do son? - he asked.
- You'll never believe it! - Billy said.
- I was responsible for the winning run!
- Really? How'd you do that?
- I dropped the ball.
What's a snakes favourite flower?
→ Coily-flowers!
- Teacher: What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air?
- Pupil: It's stolen!
Bad timing for an excuse
- Teacher: Why were you late?
- Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
- Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!
What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
→ You can't keep a good man down!
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.
- Well - they said - let's try this out.
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command:
- Heel!
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly:
- Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?
- I think so - the man replied.
- My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.
- I don't mean that - the priest responded.
- I mean, are you prepared spiritually?
- Oh, sure - came the reply.
- I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.
