Most viewed jokes

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.

He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said:

- Do you want to see my wee-wee?

She yelled:

- No! No! Please zip up your fly!

Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.

On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her:

- Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here - and proceeded to take out his dick.

She looked at it and said:

- Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!

Tom said:

- No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock.

She looked at it a while and then said:

- No, Tom, what you have 'is' a wee-wee.

A 'cock' is long, thick, and black!!!

A man was praying to God. He said:

- God!?

God responded:

- Yes?

And the guy said:

- Can I ask a question?

- Go right ahead, - God said.

- God, what is a million years to you? - God said.

- A million years to me is only a second.

- Hmmm, - the man wondered.

Then he asked:

- God, what is a million dollars worth to you? - God said.

- A million dollars to me is as a penny.

So the man said:

- God, can I have a penny?

And God cheerfully said:

- Sure!!.....just a second.

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady:

- I know what your problem is, you have zactly.

The lady then asked:

- What is zactly?

The doctor said:

- Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
→ It's like a French kiss, but down under.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.

- Oh! - exclaims Doug.

- Good trade!

- Teacher: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?

- Jack: 7 years old

- Teacher: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?

- Jack: 9 years old

- Teacher: That's impossible!

- Jack: No it's not. I'm 8 today.

- Teacher: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.

- Mike: Here it is !

- Teacher: Good. Now class, who discovered America?

- Class: Mike !!!

- Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

- Student: Yes sir.

- Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you when you misbehave?

- Student: Yes sir. But since I didn't keep my promise, you don't need to keep yours.

- Cool Student: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn't do?

- Teacher: No.

- Cool Student: Good 'cos I didn't do my homework.

- Teacher: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don't 10 years ago.

- Alfred: Me !!!

- Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

- Billy: No. I'm Billy Anderson.

- Teacher: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.

- Student: You can't fool me teacher ! Snakes don't have feet !!!

- Hygiene Teacher: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?

- Willy: Don't bite any.

- Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word 'I'

- Ellen: I is....

- Teacher: No Ellen always use "I am".

- Ellen: Oh, alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives is a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but them remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

- Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:

- Humph, not much of a man, was he!

And the waitress replied:

- Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!