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Mom's Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr:

- no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake.
Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.
Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says:

- that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?

The man replies:

- all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...

- Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything.

- Well - says the dentist.

- that's probably the problem.

- Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.

- Why chrome? - asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies:

- It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked:

- Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied:

- Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said:

- Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hiroshima Barbie ...just a shadow of her former self

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people:

- There are too many business grads out there - he said.

- If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

- Give me all your money or I'll shoot - the man shouted.

- That's not what I said!

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. He was seen hopping and jumping around - said police spokesman Mike Carey, with an explosion taking place inside his pants. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor asked.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouted.

- This is her husband!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

- David: My wife beats me, doctor.

- Doctor: Oh dear. How often?

- David: Every time we play Scrabble!

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

- Aidan - said the neighbor.

- I never knew you were so strong.

- Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

- $10 for 3 minutes - replied the pilot.

- That's too much - said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said:

- I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer:

- I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.

- Maybe so - said the farmer.

- But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottomed boats?
→ So they can see the old Polish Navy!