A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."
I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.
She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth.
So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend!
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.
She replied:
- You mean imagine that it's good?!
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes...
b) No...
c) Don't know
"Don't know"? Huh?
A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.
The transexual replied:
- Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....
- Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?
- Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!
What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??
Libertarians are anarchists with money.
Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.
Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.
Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.
A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.
The steward who checks tickets says:
- I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.
- I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde.
Well I'll get the pilot.
The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says:
- What did you say?
The pilot simply says:
- I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom:
- Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy:
- You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.
The guy thinks for a moment and says:
- Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says:
- Really? Wow, when did all this happen?
- Er.. about two minutes ago.
- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
- "This'll jar your preserves."
- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."
- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
- "Gooder than grits."
- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
- "She's uglier than homemade soap."
- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
