Most viewed jokes

Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says:

- I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).

The young jogger says:

- Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?

The old man says:

- I can't remember where I live.

The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

- Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

- By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

- By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

- Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

- When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.

Drag Harry

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

- Bad day at the course? - his wife asked.

- Everything was going fine - he said.

- Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.

- Oh, that's awful!

- You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.

Pointless Information

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask:

- Why do we have to learn this pointless information

- To save lives - the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again:

- So how does physics save lives? - he persisted.

- It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school - replied the professor.

Spelling Cat

Fred came home from his first day at school.

- Nothing exciting happened - he told his mother:

- Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her