Most viewed jokes

Why are football grounds odd?
→ Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What do you call a loony spaceman?
→ An astronut!

- Ann! - the teacher shouted one day at the girl who had been daydreaming out the window.

- If India has the world's second largest population, oranges are 50 cents for six and it costs $3 for a day return to Austin, how old am I?

- Thirty two!

- Why did you say that?

- Well, my brother's sixteen and he's half mad!

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother:

- Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do.

The mother exclaimed:

- But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?

The little girl replied:

- My homework.

A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager.

The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager:

- Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders.

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed:

- You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?

The Lord sighed, and said:

- No, I guess not.

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked:

- Why did you let him do that?

The Lord smiled and replied:

- Who's he going to tell?

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

- Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said:

- I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk

The wasted wino asked:

- Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?

- Yeah, buddy, I'm sure - said the copper.

- Let's go.

Obviously relieved, the wino said:

- That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple.

What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant?
→ A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
→ A viola burns longer.