Most viewed jokes

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An air bag.

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
→ You know what...we DO taste like chicken!

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10

Home is where the house is. --Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally --but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said:

- Vrrrrmmmmm.

Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

- Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

- Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.

- Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!

- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

- You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

- All stressed out and no one to choke.

- I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

- How can I miss you if you won't go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

- If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

- Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

- I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Exclamations

- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats

- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

- "This'll jar your preserves."

- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments

- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."

- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

- "Gooder than grits."

The Weather

- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions

- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults

- "She's uglier than homemade soap."

- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says:

- I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).

The young jogger says:

- Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?

The old man says:

- I can't remember where I live.

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied:

- First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled:

- Um...no.

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted:

- --or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident - the lawyer's voice rising in indignation.

- leaving her penniless with three children?!

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply:

- I had no idea...

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:

- --so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?

What part of a football ground is never the same?
→ The changing rooms!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
→ Because he liked sole music!