Most viewed jokes

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
→ Third grade.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says:

- The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword.

- Vive la France! - the Frenchman says, and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- A pistol for me please.

The chief gives him a pistol.

- God save the queen! - the Englishman points it at his head and says, and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

- Gimme a fork!

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks:

- My God, what are you doing?

And the New Yorker responds:

- So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper?
→ "Rough rough".

What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes?
→ Get a small hankie!

- Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish

- Poor sole!

What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde?
→ When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home:

- will I have to go home and come back now? - he ask.

The woman says:

- unbutton your shirt.

he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says:

- that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me - as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says:

- you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat startled -- she calmly reminded him that the day before he had told her his penis had died and asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones replied simply:

- Today is the viewing.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy:

- Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

- Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked:

- All right buddy, what's you're name?

- Sam - the cowboy moaned

- Where ya from, Sam?

With pain in his voice Sam replied....

- The balcony.

- I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm.

- Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?

- I'd look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!