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(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot)

Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says:

- Jazus Mick... Well have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!.

Mick says to Paddy:

- No Problem... Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!

- OK! - says Paddy.

- Where are we then?

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:

- Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North

- Brilliant! - replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks:

- Where are we now Mick?

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:

- Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction.

Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks:

- Where are we now Mick?

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies:

- Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick... Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One.

Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One. Paddy turns to Mick and says:

- That was Brilliant... But... Tell Me . How did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats

- Well! - said Mick...

- When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent,
11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported,
9 apps a crashin',
8 Megs overflowin',
7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin',
5 eighty six,
4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

- Wife: No, I can't marry anyone after you.

- Johnson: But I want you to.

- Wife: But why?

- Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied:

- The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
→ The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.

A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775

1. Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2. Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3. Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4. The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5. Marines don't wear dungarees.
6. Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7. Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8. Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9. Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10. Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11. The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
12. The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13. Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
14. Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15. Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16. Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17. Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
18. Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19. Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20. Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21. Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22. Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23. Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24. Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25. Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26. The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."