Most viewed jokes

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

- Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says:

- We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks:

- And what are those?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look:

- Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3. Ran out of paper clips.
4. I've decided to telecommute.
5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6. It's a long drive home to Texas.
7. One-day sale at Macy's.
8. My brain is melting!
9. I think they found me out...
10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.

Why do gay men have moustaches?
→ To hide the stretchmarks.

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out:

- Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said:

- Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied:

- Sir, Yes Sir!.

The General continued:

- You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.

Don't you agree?

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog:

- This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said:

- Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued:

- I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said:

- Good trade Sir!

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

- How did that happen? - gasped her mother.

- It wasn't easy - admitted her daughter

- but three girls helped me catch him.

Did you know elephants have sex organs on their feet?
→ They step on you and you're screwed

At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.

And, there were still 5 shaves left!

What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

What's the difference between a computer and a blonde?
→ The computer is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.