Most viewed jokes

What does a blonde do after waking up?
→ Go Home.
→ Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second:

- You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says:

- What happened? Was the cord too long?

The first guy says:

- No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?

A little boy goes up to his father and asks:

- Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?

The father replies:

- Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000.

The boy goes and asks his mother:

- Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?

The mother replies:

- Hell yes I would!

The little boy returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father then says:

- Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000.

The boy asks his sister:

- Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?

The sister replies:

- Hell yes I would!

He returns to his father:

- Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'

The father answers:

- Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.

Grow your own dope! Plant a blonde!

Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
→ Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
→ Proof reading.

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

- This is $200 - she says.

- I want one that's more sheer - says he.

- This one is $350.

- I want it even more sheer than that.

- This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.

- I'll take it!

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying:

- Go put this on and come down to model it for me.

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks:

- This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.

- So, how do you like it? - she says.

- Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!

A woman went in to see a therapist and said:

- I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell.

- My dear - the doctor said:

- that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.

- The problem is - she complained:

- he keeps waking me up!

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

- Did you actually see the accident?

- Yes, sir.

- How far away were you when the accident happened?

- Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.

- (thinking he'd trap the witness) Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?

- Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.