Most viewed jokes

- You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

- You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.

- If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

- I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

- You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

- You're a habit I'd like to kick with both feet!!

- I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

- I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.

- You've never been outspoken no one has ever been able to.

- At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

- If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

- Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

How does a baritone make phone calls?
→ Song distance!

Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
→ She wanted to lay it on the line!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
→ Because they're always dribbling!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
→ Aston Vanilla!

Why was the headmaster worried?
→ Because there were too many rulers in school!

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

- Hungry, Seymour? - the Lord asked.

- I could eat - said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said:

- I could eat.

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
Meekly, Seymour said:

- Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand.

- To be honest, Seymour - the Lord said - for just two people, does it pay to cook?

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.

- Oh that's easy - the man replied.

- His name is Andy.

- What make you think his name is Andy? - the angel asked incredulously.

- Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
→ None. He fell.

Once a madman said:

- Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat?

Another madman said:

- Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan.