Most viewed jokes

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

- I need someone with an accounting degree - the man said.

- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.

- How's that? - the would be accountant asked.

- I worry about a lot of things - the man said.

- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.

- I see - the accountant said.

- And how much will my position pay?

- I'll start you at eighty five thousand - responded the owner decisively.

- Eighty five thousand dollars! - the accountant exclaimed.

- How can such a small business afford a sum like that?

- That - the owner said - is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!

- Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

- It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

- No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)

- It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.

- Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.

- It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

- It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.

- You may not drive a black car on Sundays.

- It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

- It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.

- The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.

- It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.

- It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.

- It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.

- Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:

- For Women Only.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

- All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

- All the men here are tall and handsome.

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:

- There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..)
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."

Important Legal

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alva!

- Alva who?

- Alva heart!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alvin!

- Alvin who!

- Alvin a great time, how about you?

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Allan!

- Allan who!

- Allan-d of Manhattan!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Allegra!

- Allegra who?

- Allegra is broken!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alma!

- Alma who?

- Alma-ny Knock Knock

- You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

- You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.

- If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

- I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

- You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

- You're a habit I'd like to kick with both feet!!

- I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

- I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.

- You've never been outspoken no one has ever been able to.

- At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

- If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

- Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

How does a baritone make phone calls?
→ Song distance!

- Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?

- Caddy: Eventually.