Most viewed jokes

Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet?
→ To boldly go where no man has been before!

- Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?

- Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

How many screenwriters to make "Titanic" a good movie?
→ One more than they had.

Why did the monster dye her hair yellow?
→ To see if blondes have more fun.

What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton wool in his ears?
→ Anything you like - he can't hear you.

Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out:

- I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!

The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.

The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out:

- I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!

At the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported a deficit of two hundred dollars.

One of the chamber members stood up and said:

- I vote that we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other fifty dollars to the Salvation Army.

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor:

- Why do you want to join the Navy, son?

- My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.

- Oh? And what does your father do?

- He's in the Army, sir.

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them:

- There are three rules in this mess hall:

- Shut up!

- Eat up! Get up!

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked:

- What is the first rule?

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison:

- Shut up, Drill Sergeant!

You Might be a Marine Wife if:

1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you.
2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's LES and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited.
3. "Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have some.
4. Sex - see #3.
5. You can simultaneously be a control freak, change plans on a moment's notice, yet you are not being treated for schizophrenia.
6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better than their service reps.
7. You know what forms you need better than your husband's Admin clerk.
8. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green.
9. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from any country, any time, on up to four different calling plans.
10. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 other men with identical haircuts and clothes.
11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children.
12. Name tapes are not just for kids.