Most viewed jokes

Sam left work after a tiring day.

- Take the bus home - suggested a friend.

- My mother would only make me take it back - Sam said.

Making the Most of Life by Maxie Mumm

Outsize Clothes-buying by Ellie Fant

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch everything that goes over their heads

- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

- Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.

- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?

Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes - spic....spic....spic....nigga...nigga...nigga...nigga.........chink!

Did ya hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She liked guys!

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
   After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey:

- But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
   (A) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
   (B) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
→ Dumbbells.

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks:

- Did we break that too?

- Yes - replies the man.

- Sorry. Do you live here? - the husband asks.

- No, actually, I'm a genie. The man states:

- I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?

The husband thinks a moment:

- First, make my wife a better golfer.

- Poof! She's a better golfer - the genie announces.

- Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

- Poof! you get a million bucks a week - the genie announces.

- Good. OK, what do you want? - asks the husband.

- For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife - grins the genie.

- Hmmm - the husband hesitated:

- I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife:

- How long have you known your husband?

- Ten years - she replies.

- How long has he believed in this genie stuff?